Life! An endless stretch of desert without a token cactus to break the monotony! Waste of time really, this breathing and moving around, a necessary evil to fill in that gap between birth and death. I am going shopping this morning, as my cupboard is bare and my mobile phone doesn't work. If I had my way I would just sit down and wait for death to cast its shadow over me but, I've gorra keep on plodding on'.

Ger out the way you snotty little brat, can't your mum afford a handkerchief.

My mobile phone has packed up. It has finally withered away to become a simple plastic mould without all the associated fanfare! It was a bit old; still had the connection for a hand crank arm to install should the battery fail. The sod at the repair centre laughed and suggested that I use it for fishing bait; I told him to stick it up his nether regions.

I went to the shop in the supermarket, one of these fabricated counters that can change depending on demand - one day Chinese Cheese the next Wanda Bras but today mobile phones! I said to the painted lady behind the counter that I wanted a phone! One without all of the paraphernalia that one finds with them these days. I mean I just wanted a simple phone, stylish yet undemanding that had a keypad on it and a ring that might actually sound like that of a telephone.

She said "sorry, we don't sell things like that". She told me that they have "simple phones with a camera, simple phones with an MP3 player but not just a simple phone. She said all of this without pause in her nail art, and then proceeded to sell me at great cost a phone that had everything on it from document storage, WAP ennoblement, WMA and video playback to an alarm that sounded if my breath smelt bad! Damn that Barbie Doll to hell and back, she didn't tell me how to use the bloody thing to make a straightforward call although I do know how to record Dire Straits for later listening, store my will for easy reference and play games with spiders that come to eat me!

Shift you wasted youth. Did your dad never wallop some sense into you or is he is he still doing time?

Have you seen the prices of food recently? Buy a carrot and my monthly stipend reels with shock! The pension that the government gives to us poor elderly hardly covers a can of baked beans. Well, they call it a pension I call it a monthly insult but ..for years I have served my country and all I get is this .. Need a cold winter to get the heating bonus to afford the baked beans with pork sausages in them.

What you doing you old hag? No driving lessons for supermarket trolleys here!

Look at these oranges. Too orange to be true! In my time we used to buy oranges that looked like oranges, which tasted like oranges and were called oranges. Now they look like carefully waxed beach balls without blemish or fault. In fact they all look identical - spot the difference! By eating one of them I could preserve my life for another ten years, so I'll miss out on those. And the apples and the pears! Ooh look, a normal bent, off colour and probably rotten banana; that will be perfect for me!

Hey dopey guy, wake up! Got any oranges that are real or have they all been carefully mounded out of plastic like these one? Ach, get back to your floor survey, I know they are oranges!

In the frozen section and what do I step on? If there is only one piece of chewing gum stuck to the floor in the whole of the country it will find its way under my foot. Ach, my good shoes ruined. Do you know how hard it is to get shoes that are comfortable, ones that are not designed for metal footed robots! Do you know how hard it is to get chewing gum off the soles of shoes that are comfortable? Ach what would you know; I'm the only one with the chewing gum stuck to my sole.

Hey little girl! Got any shoes that don't smell like plastic and that don't tend to squeak whilst walking? Thank you darling, I realize that I am in the frozen foods section, no harm in asking is there!

Baked beans have shot up a penny a tin. It was only last week that they went up and now again. Can't afford the Heinz, have to go for the supermarket own brand, chemical filled and with the can twice as large as the contents inside. Baked beans and toast! So need some bread as well. Have you seen the bread we get these days? When I was a lad it came out of the oven smelling fresh and full of life! Drop a loaf and you felt that it would bounce straight back up and into the hand as wholesome and as lively as ever. Now all I see are lumps that look as if they have just come out from underneath an intercity train and that have no continuing zest for existence. I'll go for some crackers instead!

Listen Mr. Security Guard, I did not push that old biddy into the door! No, I certainly did not stick a piece of chewing gum onto that orange, why would I do a thing like that? Look at you, walking around as if you own the place! I certainly don't like your accusations of throwing bread on the floor; maybe it was that old hag in the wheelchair over there. Oh, you have me on video camera - maybe you need a new pair of glasses.

People, I hate them all! I walk around the supermarket minding my own business and the next thing I find is that I am being forcibly ejected onto the pavement outside and at the feet of an angry father who suggests that I should keep my hands to myself! Snotty kid running to his parents, what's happened to the youth of today, they seem to be just a ball of emotional tears without backbone. Have to do my shopping tomorrow and somewhere else.

What a waste of time is this living. Everyday is a repeat of the last, every minute another grain of sand in an endless series of dunes that stretch over and beyond the horizon.

You looking at me or chewing a brick?