When I woke up this morning the sun was shining bright in the sky, the birds were chattering and the larks singing, etc! Plus all the rest of that throat restricting garbage that writers use to describe another nice day in Sickville!

Never mind getting out of the wrong side of the bed, I just felt like I had been tossed out of a lawn mower running amok on paraffin! I had gone to bed in the normal manner, scrubbed my gnashers and fallen into a dreamless sleep but somewhere between that uninteresting point and when the larks started to screech the real-life nightmare cranked into first gear! I am utterly clue less as to what occurred. All I know now, at this precise moment in time, is that if one more person tries to make small talk with me I will not be liable for the consequences of my actions.

In fact I am nearly at the stage of going out of my way to find some really obnoxious guy who deserves a good knocking about and just lay into him! Take that you idiot, and that, and this one! Yesterday I wouldn't have hurt a fly; a limping bird would have received immediate sympathy! Today though is a whole different kettle of fish, whatever is driving me in my downhill slide into hell I don't know but it isn't getting any better!

Oh, believe me the birds are singing a right old merry tune out there and yes, spring is in the air. The buds are blooming and the shoots are shooting plus many more of those pathetic descriptions that writers use when stuck for words! Inside of me my brain feels like a set of bagpipes on helium and my legs are like lead weights on a balloon! My feet itch, my scalps sore and my armpits smell like the insides of a garbage truck on a hot summer's day! There is absolutely no reason why I should feel this way, I am healthy with everything laid out in front of me exactly the way that I want it to be, unless of course senile dementia has caught up with me early and I have forgotten something.

Why is it that people want to talk insanely today, are they the birds that chatter? 'Screaming hawks' would be a more apt description, far more vivid and appropriate! Nice day today isn't it? What are you planning for this weekend then? Ach, get out of my hair!

Ger, out of here before I .....I can't be listening to pig swill! I went to the supermarket and due to a surfeit of public annoyances I deserted my full trolley in an aisle and ducked for cover! I slunk into the local pub for a pint only to be given a grilling by Tom the overbearing and red-faced barman, I was far too slow to avoid the over-glossed protrusions that surround the teeth of Sue-the-Loo the barmaid who deters more customers that she has ever brought in and before making a hasty exit managed to spill half the pint down my shirt front! Help me, what is the cause of my anguish?

After exiting the pub I returned to the supermarket, a supposed dash in and out and unexpectedly my trolley was still in the aisle were I had abruptly deserted it earlier! A considerable change perhaps in the weather: a slight easing of the low pressure region draped like a glove over my hanging head? Not likely! I started to push that trolley away, thinking that life might be on the up and up only to find myself being honked at by a hysterical look-a-like housewife on steroids! Wow, another sharp exit from the disaster zone!

Looking inwards to the very pit of my soul I cannot see what devil is pulling my strings. I seriously would like to either run into the middle of the road screaming "take me if you can" or to use Tony Blair as a punch bag! Not sure if this would aid the cause but I am certain that the latter scenario would undoubtedly give me complete and everlasting satisfaction and ultimate cause for merriment in the weeks ahead, when of course I have purged myself of the virus that is coursing through my veins at this precise moment in time.

Naturally, being a sensible sort of bloke I will resist from doing either and try to get through this day without upsetting anybody unduly! I am positive so far that my silent grunts and behind back hand gestures have not been noticed, nor have my mutterings and heart stopping glares been seen around the corners that I hide them behind. It is unfortunate that I left a trolley full of what should have been the weeks shopping behind, Equally unfortunate is the half pint or so that I could not drink due to having spilt it on my shirt - this is just now reaching the insides of my shoes (having laboriously traipsed its way down my trouser) so that I may have great fun squelching back home.

Whilst squelching along and now smelling like a street bum after a beer sauna I jumped onto the Number 33 bus only to be told by an overgrown gorilla in the driver's seat that the bus was full! Squelching further I passed Mrs. Brown who sniffed theatrically as if to say "I knew you would fall down the hill". Well, up yours and the hole you crawled out of lady!

Wait, she reminds me of someone! I feel that I have just passed from warm to hot; I am so close now to the answer to the ultimate question! Why do I feel so rotten today?

Got it! Its Saturday isn't it? This is the mother-in-laws visiting day! Oh no..........